My Year Ahead: Out of the Classroom ~ Not Teaching?!

As we settle into Fall and the beginning of the new school year, some of you have noticed the missing posts about my annual classroom set up, and are seeing me posting about things during my days now that have nothing to do with my school. Many are asking "Are you not teaching this year?" So here's the scoop on my year ahead.

My whole life, since I was little, when people would ask what I wanted to 'be' when I grew up, I always said "I want to be a teacher." Then, as an adult, people would ask me what I 'was,' and I so very proudly said "I am a teacher." There is such honour in what teachers do, and I wholeheartedly committed to and embraced that as my identity.

When I got into teaching in 2001, I believed that this was the absolute greatest career to have as a mother. I thought it was going to be so family friendly - holidays off at the same time as my own kiddos, flexibility in some scheduling, better ability to 'get' and 'guide' my own babies through life since I was in the same environment they were in. As I began my career, I wasn't so sure I had been right about that. When I became a single mom in 2013, with my 3 year old and my 6 month old babies in my arms, I still wanted to believe those things. And even though I quickly began feeling like I was drowning ~ both in my classrooms and in my home ~ and the grand illusions I held about my profession was starting to fade, I wasn't giving up on that belief. Not yet.

Fast forward to the past 8 or so years. I'm no longer a single mother, and I've been working in a school that I wholeheartedly chose to go to, with students and families who have much greater needs than education. I've worked in and out of my classroom to support my school children with meals and snacks, clothing and personal items, winter wear, and all the other big and small things that go along with holding up and caring for community members living with trauma, in poverty, and often during very challenging life transitions.

Oh, and of course, this included a few years of and since a world-wide pandemic that drastically changed people - kids included - in ways that we are still trying to figure out and overcome, supporting them with all of the diversity of care we see they need. You know, just another day's work.

I think I've always kind of taken for granted that my own kids were somehow immune to the uncertain and tricky things outside of our house. I loved them and they knew it; they confided in me and asked for guidance and advice; we talked and shared and hugged, and told each other how much we loved the others daily. My children have eagerly been involved in all the 'extra' work I've done at my school and for my students since they were wee. They loved helping and I loved that I was teaching them important life moments about understanding, compassion, giving selflessly, and being grateful.

But...

There came a time when I had to really get real with myself. My personal children had their own stuff that they were dealing with, and even though I felt like I was doing all the right things to support them through that 'stuff,' I knew in my soul that I wasn't truly being the mom I wanted to be, or the mom they needed. I would come home from my school usually by 4pm, but instead of being able to 'parent' when they got home from their schools, I was already in my pajamas, laying on the couch with some monotonous TV show in the background or mindlessly scrolling on my phone, trying not to fall asleep, while also trying to decide if it was too soon to once again order some kind of dinner delivery so I didn't have to cook or clean up. This went on for longer than I am proud to admit.

When you least feel like you can afford to take a break is when you MOST NEED ONE.

~Janet Barclay

Last Spring, I had to have a big "come to Jesus" moment. I wasn't the mom I thought I'd be. I wasn't the role model I wanted to be. I wasn't my best for them, because all of my best everything was being given out and used up and left behind at my school, and my own kids were getting the leftovers. I had thought it had been enough for them, but I finally admitted to myself that there wasn't much 'leftover' to speak of most days. And this truly wasn't fair to them.

So here we are. I'm very blessed that my career has allowed me to take a leave of absence for this year, while providing job security to return next fall if I choose. I can stop and evaluate what my kids need, and I can be present to do it and give it and enjoy it. I have time to recharge myself, and take charge of being the mom that Addison and Jackson need, want and deserve. I don't know what I'll do next year as far as teaching - it's too far away to know, and there are too many things out there for us between now and then, and I'm grateful that I don't need to decide right now.

I'm looking forward to volunteering at and attending daytime performances and activities at my children's school, which is something I've never been able to do in my 'family friendly career'. I'm looking forward to being here to send them off in the morning, and to welcome them home in the afternoon - not with a tired sigh, but with a patient and inviting smile as I ask and really get to listen to them talk about their days. I'm looking forward to putting my own mental and physical health back on my priority list. And I'm looking forward to embracing a beautiful opportunity to finally work with my mom again, in a capacity that is truly meaningful and close to both our hearts. I'm still an educator in my soul (even if I don't have a growing and complex classlist, or looming report card writing deadlines in my calendar), and I still want and need to make a difference for children and families in need. Mom and I have some plans in the works to incorporate that heartwork into our worlds, but it's going to take some time to set it up and do it right. You know I'll fill you in when there's more to share about this, so just sit tight for now.

Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Fall in love with the path of deep healing. Fall in love with becoming the best version of yourself, but with patience, with compassion and respect to your journey.

~ S. McNutt

Of course I'll still be sharing my one compact Seint makeup because I love it and I believe that everyone's skin can benefit from it, and I'll get my various affiliate links organized and updated to keep sharing with you the other things I love and think that you may love too. My website and blog are also going to take off in better ways to serve you and others moving forward, and I'm so grateful for all the different platforms that have allowed me to reach you ~ you, who maybe needs to hear how fabulous and worthy you are, even and especially, when you don't remember that for yourself.

So my year ahead will be filled with looking after my family and myself, while still supporting and lifting others around us, but this time, in ways that don't overpower what my true calling has been trying to tell me. Now when someone asks what I 'do', the answer isn't as clear or as straightforward as it used to be, but I know it feels more authentic, peaceful, and rewarding as I embrace the next of my life's adventures with hope and love and gratitude.

Until next time, friends.

~Michelle xoxo